This episode gives me SO MANY FEELINGS. Oh my god. I am not ready.
I love how the first thing Dean does when he wakes up is reach under his pillow for his gun.
OH, poor Sam. He’s had to sit there in silence until Dean woke up.
LOL Roy and Walt Disney. Ridiculous. Kripke, what is your life.
“Well, is it just me, or do you two seem a tad upset?” I love how he says this. Jaunty-Confident-Dean is funny. Not always, but sometimes.
Walt: You think you can just flip the switch on the Apocalypse, and just walk away, Sam?
Sam: Who told you that?
Sam’s face BREAKS MY HEART. He is so full of regrets. POOR BABY.
GAH SAM IS SHOT.
Roy: Killing Sam was right, but Dean--
Walt: He made us, and we just snuffed his brother, you idiot. You want to spend the rest of your life knowing Dean Winchester’s on your ass? ‘Cause I don’t. Shoot him.
Dean: Go ahead, Roy, do it. But I’m gonna warn you-- when I come back, I’m gonna be pissed.
I LOVE THIS LINE. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. OH MY GOD. I COULD TALK ABOUT IT FOR HOURS. I just love the Winchester’s infamy. John was really well known in the hunter community and Sam and Dean by association, so I like to think that other hunters always knew they were going to grow up to be really badass. And now everyone’s kind of scared of them because they know that if you cross them, they’ll take you down. I just adore the way that Walt says “Dean Winchester” like he’s the fucking Bogeyman or something. Like KILL HIM OR HE WILL STALK AND MURDER US.
Heaven! All the feelings. BABY SAM. FOURTH OF JULY. FIREWORKS. LET ME DIE. I love seeing older Dean interact with Baby Sam. And Dean looks SO HAPPY. He just looks childlike and joyous. I am actually crying right now.
Dean: I’m dead.
Castiel: Condolences.
THEY ARE MY WORLD.
“If I’m in Heaven, then where is Sam?” HEARTBREAKING LINE.
Follow the yellow brick road, Dean. I swear this entire show is the Wizard of Oz. OH AND THIS EPISODE IS CALLED DARK SIDE OF THE MOON AND THE ALBUM DARK SIDE OF THE MOON SYNCS UP WITH THE WIZARD OF OZ OH MY GOD EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW.
Everything about Sam makes me sad. Like, really.
Sam: Heaven.
Dean: Yep.
Sam: How are we in Heaven?
Dean: All that clean living, I guess.
Sam: No, no. You, I get, sure, but me? Maybe you haven’t noticed, but, um... I’ve... done a few things?
Dean: You thought you were doing the right thing.
Sam: Last time I checked, it wasn’t the road to heaven that was paved with good intentions.
I love this little snippet of dialogue. It’s interesting because in the early seasons, one would have expected that sweet little Sammy would be the heavenly one and Dean, the bad boy, would be destined for Hell, but look how that’s reversed itself. So interesting. I LOVE THIS SHOW.
Dean: What are you talking about? We had Thanksgiving every year.
Sam: We had a bucket of Extra Crispy and Dad passed out on the couch.
This is kind of a terrifying snapshot of their childhood. I hear ‘passing out’ as ‘passing out drunk’, but maybe that’s just me. So the image I’m getting is John coming home on Thanksgiving night, drunk off his ass, and tossing the boys a bucket of chicken before passing out on the couch. It’s horrible. No wonder Sam was happy to get out.
Dean: You find him!
Castiel: I can’t. I can’t return to Heaven.
Sometimes Cas gets so bitter about being cut off from Heaven.
“Please. I just need you to follow the road. [...] It’s a path that runs through Heaven. Different people see it as different things. For you, it’s two lane asphalt. The road will lead you to the Garden; you’ll find Joshua there. And Joshua will take us to God.
1) SO WIZARD OF OZ. 2) I love the idea of the road that runs through Heaven and people seeing it as a river or a path or a road. I especially love that Dean and Sam see it as a road because they practically grew up on the road. For them, a road is familiar.
GAH DEAN IN THE LITTLE KID SHIRT AND SEEING MARY MY HEART MY POOR HEART. It’s just so sad because Dean at least had some semblance of a normal childhood before it was viciously ripped away. He had toy cars and PB&Js with the crusts cut off and he remembers his mother. Sam never had any of that. He has to be left out of this memory. He has to watch from the doorway. It’s awful.
I love the way Dean looks a his mother. Heartbreaking.
Sam: Dean, uh, we should go... keep looking for the road...
Dean: I know. Just, just give me a minute, okay?
Sam: Dean...
Dean: Sam! Please. Just one minute.
Sam just wants to get out of here. He doesn’t want to watch his mother ignore him and watch Dean get the childhood he never got to have. But Dean can’t bear to leave because these are the happiest memories he has.
Sam: Dad always said they had the perfect marriage.
Dean: It wasn’t perfect until after she died.
Isn’t that the way?
“It’s okay, Mom. Dad still loves you. I love you, too. I’ll never leave you.” I’m just picturing Baby Dean actually saying this to Mary. Even at four years old, Dean knew that it was his job to protect his family. He knew that he had to keep them together, keep his mom happy, obey his father, protect Sam. That was always his job.
Dean: What?
Sam: I just never realized how long you’ve been cleaning up Dad’s messes.
He really has. Dean is the glue that binds the Winchesters together.
Sam’s face LIGHTS UP when the dog comes in the room. This is so Jared. Jared loves his puppies.
Dean: Is this Flagstaff?
Sam: Yeah!
Dean: This is a good memory for you?
Sam: Yeah, I mean, I was on my own for two weeks! I lived off of Funyuns and Mr. Pib.
Dean: Wow.
Sam: What?
Dean: You don’t remember, do you? You ran away on my watch. I looked everywhere for you, I thought you were dead. And when Dad came home...
This is horrifying. I can completely see where Sam is coming from: he grew up like he was in the military, so two weeks away where he could relax and have a dog and just be happy must have seemed like paradise. But he had NO IDEA what Dean was going through in his absence. I don’t think he ever had any idea growing up of how much pressure John put on Dean to keep Sam safe, or how much pressure Dean put on himself. It’s awful. Dean gets such a horrified look in his eye when he thinks about John’s reaction to Sam being gone; it almost makes me think that something physical went down, like something really bad. Like John really hurt him. Sam was obviously clueless about his family dichotomy. He even said it in the last scene; he never really understood how much Dean sacrificed for their family.
Dean: Wait a minute, wait a minute... this? This is the night you ditched us for Stanford, isn’t it? This is your idea of Heaven? Wow. This is like, one of the worst nights of my life.
Sam: I can’t control this stuff.
Dean: Seriously? This is a happy memory for you?
Sam: I don’t know! I mean, I was on my own! I finally got away from Dad!
Dean: Yeah, he wasn’t the only one you got away from.
MY HEART IS LITERALLY BROKEN. All of Sam’s happy memories are Dean’s worst.
Dean: Your Heaven is someone else’s Thanksgiving. Okay? It’s bailing on your family. What do you want me to say?
Sam: Man, I never got the crusts cut off my PB&J. I just don’t look at family the way you do.
Dean: Yeah, but I am your family!
Sam: I know, but--
Dean: I mean, we’re supposed to be a team! It’s supposed to be you and me against the world, right?
Sam: Dean, it is!
Dean: Is it?
I AM LITERALLY HUGGING MYSELF AND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH AND SOBBING. This episode is way too much for my emotions. I am so unstable.
ASH. FUCK YES I MISSED HIM SO MUCH.
Do Sam and Dean share a heaven? Because they’re not really sharing. They’re just hopping from memory to memory. I’m confused.
Ash’s response to hearing about Ellen and Jo dying is heartwrenching. Do they ever say how Ash knows them? Like are they related? I’m interesting in finding out.
John Winchester is in hell, isn’t he? That’s been said.
Dean: If it makes you feel better, we got Ash killed, too.
Ash: I’m cool with it!
Dean: He’s cool with it.
Pamela, I am not on your side right now. I struggle a lot with this, because I like to imagine that Heaven is a wonderful place that I will go when I die and that people who die aren’t suffering because they’re in a better place and all that, but LIFE. LIFE is better. And all the people that would die if Dean said yes to Michael... it wouldn’t be right, or fair. I like to imagine Heaven as a place of rest, after you’ve lived and it’s your time to move on
PAMELA IS MACKING ON DEAN. Whatever, I would do the same thing. Pam is awesome.
“I don’t mean to be a downer or anything, but I’m sure I’ll see you again, soon.” I love you, Ash. REALLY.
AUGH ANGELS ARE SO MEAN. WHY ARE THEY MANIPULATING HEAVEN. EVERYTHING HURTS.
“Everybody leaves you, Dean. You noticed? Mommy, Daddy, even Sam. Ever ask yourself why? Maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s you.”
The angels, especially Zachariah, know exactly how to hurt Dean. They’re so good at it. He’s always the one to tell Dean that he’s worthless or stupid or inadequate. He knows just what buttons to push.
“In Heaven, I have six wings and four faces, one of which is a lion.” AUGH I LOVE ANGEL LORE. Fucking awesome.
JOSHUA IS MY WORLD.
I’m encountering a lot of information that seems to point to Chuck being God. And I think it’s canon. Like, they reference him at cons and say things that make me thing it’s like, established fact.
Okay this last scene is literally the saddest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Castiel’s faith crisis: he’s just SO HOPELESS. Abandonment daddy issues. He and Dean share so much.
“I don’t need this anymore. It’s worthless.” CASTIEL STOP IT BABY.
DEAN NO. DON’T THROW IT AWAY. DON’T THROW AWAY THE SAMULET WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AUGHHH DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR BROTHER DEAN? Sam looks wrecked when Dean does this. It’s like Dean ripped out his heart and threw it in the trash can.
This episode made me cry like, eight times. And now I’m dead. I can’t do this. I want to cry.
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