There is no context in which I can hear “Carry On My Wayward Son” and not start tearing up. Even if it was in a movie about rainbows and butterflies, I would still weep like a child.
I read a post on Tumblr about a month ago that described, in detail, just what it is about this opening scene that makes it so heartbreaking. I hadn’t thought about it the first time around, but now that it’s been brought to my attention, it makes me ache inside. Sam is lying on a bed in Bobby’s house, which means Dean would have had to put Sam’s body in the backseat of the Impala, drive his dead brother to Bobby’s house, and then carry him inside. What would that do to you-- if you had to carry the body of the person you loved more than anything in your arms and know that you failed them? I obviously don’t blame Dean (how could I? Dean is perfect in my eyes) but I understand his guilt. If he’d gotten there sooner, this may not have happened. Sam was distracted by his presence, so he didn’t notice Jake sneaking up on him. Dean failed at what he considers his most important job: looking after his baby brother. I am literally 26 seconds into this episode and I already can’t handle it.
Dean is on a fast track to alcoholism and it scares me. Hell, he’s probably already an alcoholic. I’m terrified.
Bobby: Somethin’ big is goin’ down. End-of-the-world big.
Dean: Well, then, let it end!
Bobby: You don’t mean that.
Dean: You don’t think so? You don’t think I’ve given enough? You don’t think I’ve paid enough? I’m done with it. All of it. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll turn around and get the hell out of here.
Oh, Bobby. Don’t you know Dean’s world has already ended?
Azazel is one sick motherfucker. He is out of his goddamn mind.
Oh, you think Dean Winchester broke your heart at the end of last episode? You are clearly not prepared for this motherfucking speech that makes me want to JUMP OUT OF AN OPEN WINDOW IN DESPAIR:
“You know, when you were little, and you couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why did we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go? He'd take off for days at a time. I remember, I begged you, 'Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know.' I just wanted you to be a kid. Just for a little while longer. Always tried to protect you. Keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it, and for that, I'm sorry. I guess that’s what I do. I let down the people I love. Y’know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I’m just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy? What am I supposed to do? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?”
Okay, here’s where I get mad at Dean for being a TOTAL HYPOCRITE for two seasons. Do you not remember “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”, Dean? Do you not remember your adamant statement: what’s dead should stay dead? Do you not remember “Crossroad Blues”, when you totally bitched at that guy for like, five minutes about how wrong it was to make deals because you left the other person alone and full of guilt? DID YOU FORGET ALL YOUR EXPERIENCES, DEAN WINCHESTER? YOU MUST HAVE OR YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS. I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU DEAN, AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE’LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME. I’m not sure when this turned into a Howler, but hey. That’s how I roll.
Number one favorite SammyDean hug happens when Dean gets back from the crossroads. I’m serious. I think it’s my favorite.
How long does Dean think he can keep up this charade? Seriously, hasn’t he learned? Don’t lie, Dean. You too, Sammy. Stop lying or leaving things out or half-truthing or whatever it is you’re doing.
Thank God for Bobby Singer, the fucking voice of reason in this mess.
Dean’s low self-esteem makes me want to cry. His life has fucked him up. He sees the deal he made as like, justice or something. He believes throwing his soul away into Hell makes him worth something, makes his existence worth it. I seriously just want to reach into my computer screen and hold him and tell him that he’s the most wonderful man in the universe. His self-hatred HURTS me. I feel empty in the pit of my stomach when I think about it.
OH DEAR GOD. SAM RIGHT AFTER HE SHOOTS JAKE LOOKS LIKE DARKSIDE!SAM. OH NO MY CREYS PLEASE SAMMY DON’T GO DARKSIDE PLEASE I MEAN I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BUT I’M GOING TO PRETEND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING AND JUST BEG YOU PLEASE BE MY BABY SAMMY FOREVER WAHHHHHHHHHHH.
“How certain are you that what you brought back is one hundred percent pure Sam? You of all people should know that what’s dead should stay dead.” Ugh. Too real. I don’t like. I don’t like at all. Shut your whore mouth, Azazel.
And there it is. The one moment I love John Winchester. For once, John, I love and accept you for who you are and the decisions you’ve made. Thank you. P.S. Can we TALK ABOUT THE MUSIC IN THAT SCENE? My heart is falling to pieces in my chest.
This moment is twenty-four years in the making. Mary and Jess and all the other people affected by Azazel’s reign of terror have been avenged.
Dean, WHY ARE YOU LYING. LYING SOLVES NOTHING. Please just stop crying and hug and don’t talk about this anymore. It hurts too much.
At least this season finale ends kind of hopefully. It’s positive. They’re not dying. They’re not mad at each other. No one is in hell. It’s kind of happy, almost. We definitely don’t get another happy season finale after this one. So I will take what I can get. Thanks, Kripke.
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