This episode haunts me. Literally, HAUNTS. I am not kidding. Demon!Dean scares the ever-living CRAP out of me. We’ll get to that later...
Sam is acting like such a PETULANT CHILD. “You get sloppy in bars and hit on chicks all the time, why can’t I?” This is such a little brother thing to say. I guess this is just more of Sam trying to be like Dean? Actually, this reminds me of (stay with me, here) the relationship between J.D. and Dr. Cox from Scrubs. There’s an early episode when J.D. gives up a night with his girlfriend to stay with Dr. Cox, because he’s obviously trying to be like his idol, and Dr. Cox says, “What are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that...I just barely want to be like me?” I can see Dean saying this to Sam.
BELA. She is back. Her storyline is coming back to me... she steals the Colt in this episode, doesn’t she? I love this exchange:
Sam: One problem though: we’re fresh out of African dream root, so unless you know someone who can score some...
Dean: Crap.
Sam: What?
Dean: Bela.
Sam: Bela? Crap. You’re actually suggesting we ask her for a favor?
Dean: I feel dirty just thinking about it, but yeah.
Ahhhh, Dream!Lisa makes me so sad. I still don’t believe that Dean really loves her... I think he sees her as a sort of ideal. She’s the perfect life he’ll never have, and when he wants to picture himself as a normal man, not a hunter, it’s with her because he knows that would have been the natural progression. But she’s perfect in his eyes, and that’s why things never would have worked out between them.
The conversation between Dean and his dream self makes me ache inside. I relate to Dean more than any other character on the show, possibly more than any other character on television (the exception being Donna Noble from Doctor Who; that woman is my spirit animal). I can relate to the feeling of being empty inside, of looking into the mirror and seeing nothing, of being nobody independent of the people around you.
And nothing hurts more than seeing Dean lose control:
“My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam, that was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He's the one who let Mom die! He wasn't there for Sam! I always was! It wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me! And I don't deserve to go to Hell!”
THIS SPEECH. I WAS LITERALLY HUGGING MYSELF AND DRY SOBBING.
Demon!Dean makes me want to throw myself down a large hole. You know how I’ve written before about lines that stick in my head? One of them is: “You can’t escape me, Dean! You’re gonna die! And this-- this is what you’re gonna become!” It’s fixed in my brain. And it hurts. A lot.
The only good thing about this episode is that Dean finally decides to fight his own doom. I guess it makes sense: you have to be able to look at yourself in the face to accept certain truths, and for Dean, it had to happen literally. It was only when he could hear himself saying those terrible things that he knew they weren’t true.
DEAN WINCHESTER, YOU MATTER. I LOVE YOU.
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